


jelly bean

by dinofcker



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Animal Death, Depressed Yamaguchi Tadashi, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, One Shot, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, ventfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:54:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25105774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinofcker/pseuds/dinofcker
Summary: Kei was 12 when he went with Tadashi to the pet store. He was 12 when he realized he didn't like hamsters. But he was 14 when he realized hamsters weren't so bad.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 134





	jelly bean

Kei was 12 when he went with Tadashi to the pet store. He never had any pets. He didn’t really care much for them, sure they were cute but they never liked him. His mom said his scowl probably scared them away. She’s probably right. He didn’t like how much effort he had to put in. He didn’t like the fact he had to say goodbye to something he might end up caring for. So, the best thing to do, is never care for anyone besides yourself. Oh, how that all changed. 

He distinctly remembers convincing Akiteru to take them to the pet shop. Akiteru had asked Tadashi if he had permission to get a pet, but all Tadashi had said was, “Oh, they don’t care. They’re hardly home anyways.” He felt cold claws digging into his spine. Akiteru said nothing more and took them. There’s nothing they can do. And Kei hated himself for that.

He remembers looking in the tiny cages and showcases. Lizards, tarantulas, frogs, geckos, fish, and hamsters. He didn’t like hamsters. He thought they were unhygienic and rather discomforting to hold. He definitely did not like Tadashi’s hamster. It was a fat white hamster, and brown fur around its eyes and tail. He never bit them, but he never let himself be held for no more than 2 minutes. He woke up at 2:30 AM every night. He would run on that stupid wheel and run in circles until he tired himself out and slept like a log. That little rat wanted to just walk everywhere it set its eyes on.

When the boys were walking through the aisles, Tadashi immediately set his eyes on the hamster. Kei regrets coming with him.

“You can literally have any of these animals, and you want that one?” Kei stalked towards his friend. Tadashi had his hands pressed on the window. His small mouth slightly open. “It’s not that amazing.” Kei shook his head. He tried to convince Tadashi to not get a furry animal. It wasn’t as cute as a reptile or amphibian. Tadashi wanted something fluffy. Kei wished he liked scaly animals more. 

“I just want something warm to hold.” Kei whipped his head. 

“Warm?”

“I get lonely at night. So I want someone to be with me.”

“Oh…” Kei felt his neck heat up. He knew in the back of his mind it seemed childish, but he knew better than to say it. Kei didn’t like hamsters. But if Tadashi really wanted it, then he'd just stay away from it every time he was being forced to hold it. He chuckled. “Well, what are you going to name it?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe something silly so it makes me smile.” Kei could feel his heart strings tug. It was stupid to feel a bit sad. It’s not his problem, he shouldn’t care. 

He did care. He really did.

He just doesn’t like hamsters.

“How about one of your favorite foods?” Kei offered. Tadashi hummed and stepped back from the glass case. He tapped his chin with his index finger. 

“Keep thinking any harder and your brain will fall out.” Kei snickered as Tadashi glared at him.

“Well I can’t name him Soggy French Fries. That’s too long.” Kei shrugged. He remembered them sitting on the patio, sharing jelly beans. They would trade flavors. Kei hated lemon. Tadashi hated cherry. Even if the other’s saliva was already on it, they would still trade. Kei felt his cheeks warm a little.

“How about, Jelly Bean?” Tadashi giggled into his palm. He nodded and cracked a toothy grin.

“That sounds good!” 

Kei didn’t seem to mind the ball of fluff every time he visited and slept over. He still wouldn’t hold it. But he did manage to give it a baby carrot until Jelly Bean tried to stuff the entire piece into his mouth. Tadashi panicked and pulled it out, giving it a scolding. It didn’t make a difference. It’s just a hamster. 

* * *

  
  


Kei managed to sneak out a few pieces of chopped vegetables from last night’s dinner. He was disgusted when he reached into his pocket after dinner, taking out wet pieces of carrots, broccoli, and corn. He put them in a ziploc bag he also stole. I mean, snuck out. _What am I doing? It’s a hamster._

He put the bag in the back of the fridge, behind the packed lunch for him and Akiteru. He thought about Tadashi and his hamster, cuddling at night. Without him. He shook his head violently. 

_No, I am not thinking about cuddling Tadashi and his stupid hamster._

He walked faster to the bathroom. Cold water splashed against his face, letting the water drip down his face and chin. He can hear the faint sounds of water hit the counter. He didn’t bother drying anything. He shouldn’t be bothered by anything at all. Yet he still held the image of his best friend and that dumb hamster in the back of his mind. He didn’t want to accept it. He didn’t want to understand what he was feeling. It felt like dread and guilt but in a good way. He couldn’t find the words when he tried to look online. Every synonym in the thesaurus didn't feel right to him. If Google is telling he might be feeling fake guilt, then how can anyone tell him what he’s feeling. Was he going to be forever insensitive and a jerk for his entire life? 

_Tadashi thinks I’m cool._

Kei started to relax, letting the tension ease from his shoulders. 

His body hit the bed. He didn’t bother laying down in the center, he just laid sideways, not bothering to move. He didn’t care what anyone would say if they saw him. He didn’t want to see anyone. He just wanted to disappear but also hold his best friend’s hand. He wanted to- 

_Ahhh this sucks. I can’t stop thinking about him._

He felt his phone buzz from the nightstand. 

**Tadashi:**

**jelly bean is so cute. look.**

He saw a photo of Jelly Bean, curled in the middle of a dingy pillow. Kei felt a small smile sneak onto his face. He shook his head and typed back. He knew he was blushing hard. It’s a hamster. 

**Kei:**

**ew**

Tadashi instantly replied.

**Tadashi:**

**meanie ;-;**

**Kei:**

**lol**

He shut his phone off and let it drop to his side. The music was probably too loud for his mom’s taking, but he didn’t care. As if he ever cared. He didn’t like people anyways. Not hearing anyone would benefit him from all the annoying people he was surrounded by constantly. A flash of Tadashi smiling and laughing appeared and Kei caught himself smiling. He scowled as he realised his facial expression might have looked weird at the moment. Kei doesn’t smile. He hates happy things. He hates everything. At least, he thinks he’s supposed to.

With a sigh, he skipped to the next song, the drums and guitar riffs lolled him to sleep. Each song that passed, he felt lighter. His body relaxed fully until slumber came over.

Kei brought the chopped vegetables over to Tadashi’s on a Saturday night. His body was a bit sore. He would have let Tadashi sleep over on Friday, but Kei’s father came home early from his business trip. He at least wanted to catch up but it always turned into an intense conversation about stocks and trades. He didn’t care for either. He just wanted his dad around. It was too much to ask for. _Whatever._

He reached the grimy apartment. The filthy gold numbers **14** made him sick. He went to knock on the door and stopped halfway. He didn’t want to make anything worse than it already was. So he pulled his phone out and sent a quick text.

**Kei:**

**hey I’m outside.**

**Tadashi:**

**i’ll be over!**

He let out a satisfied sigh. The door creaked open, cracked around the edges. He didn’t realize the doorknob was on the brink of falling apart. 

“I brought him some carrots, corn, and broccoli. He likes those right?” Kei held the bag up. Tadashi showed a sweet smile. 

_I love it when he gives me that kind of smile._

Kei can feel the tip of his ears get hot. He shoved the bag into his friend’s chest. He stumbled in surprise.

“Thanks Tsukki!” Tadashi let Kei in. 

_Get a hold of yourself._

Kei mumbled his thanks but realized the house was empty. Tadashi was alone again. He walked to Yamaguchi’s room, side stepping away from glass bottles and empty cigarette packets littered on the floor. The hamster cage on a nightstand with a dingy window view to other broken down apartments. He’d be lying if he said he hated his friend’s home, sometimes he can see Tadashi lose his light, his face carrying a stoic expression and fidgeting hands in his hoodie’s pocket. He can sometimes hear Tadashi’s fast paced breathing when his father came home earlier than expected. He can hear the panic yet calming voice of Tadashi when he was being sneaked out of the house. He can hear the relieved sigh when Kei came over to pick him up for a sleepover. But he pretends he can’t hear the sniffling when Tadashi is in his futon past midnight. Kei knows his words and actions may not be enough to help Tadashi’s situation, but he hopes the things he does to make him happy would reach through to him. 

_Don’t leave me._

“So...how’s the hamster?” Kei sat uncomfortable on Tadashi’s futon. It was worn out and matty. He ended up just lying on his back, giving up on finding a good position. Normally he’d let his arms stretch out behind him, but today wasn’t a normal day. It felt off.

“He’s getting fat.” Tadashi squinted at Jelly Bean’s food bowl, full of grains and vegetables. The hamster, half asleep, wobbling to the blue green bowl and flipped it over. Tadashi let his palm smack his forehead while Kei laughed. 

“He’s not very smart though.” Kei remarked. Tadashi nodded guiltily.

“Yeah...but he’s still cute!” Kei twisted his face. “Oh c’mon Tsukki, he’s at least a little cute.”

“Not one bit.” Kei cradled his head, listening to Jelly Bean shuffle around in this food bowl. Tadashi laid down next to him on the floor. Kei sighed and made some space for Tadashi to wrap his arms around him. Yes they cuddled in a futon, it’s uncomfortable at times but it made them feel safer. Kei let his fingers rub the back of Tadashi’s head. 

“I think you’re cute.” Tadashi mumbled and let his eyes close. Kei knew his sleep schedule was terrible, so he didn’t mind him sleeping the majority of the time they were together, but this time, he couldn’t help but feel embarrassed. It almost felt like he wanted to hug the life out of him and rub his cheek on the top of Tadashi’s head. Keyword: Almost.

“...I think you’re beautiful.” Kei murmured and closed his eyes. He focused on the sound of Jelly Bean running on the wheel. The squeaks annoyed him but he left it at that. 

_If it makes him happy, who am I to judge?_

Kei stopped questioning the fluttering feeling of his stomach. He stopped asking himself whenever his heart would stutter whenever Yamaguchi was around. He knew at that moment, the type of moments you would only see in anime or books. He knew, he was in love. And oh, in love, was he. He was in deep. If he tried to run away, he knew Tadashi would still stand by his side. There’s no point in running, he refuses to let the one person he cares the most slip through his fingers.

* * *

They were 14 when they were at Kei’s house sleeping over. It was another night spending it with his boyfriend. Tadashi brought Jelly Bean this time. Kei rolled his eyes and left the hamster alone. It was at the moment when he realized Jelly Bean was struggling walking, almost panting. He peeked into the cage to get a closer look. 

_Something isn’t right._

He knew Tadashi was in the shower, but if he called him out, he might start panicking and crying out of fear and anxiety. So Kei did what anyone would do when they see something fluffy. He went to pet it.

The hamster felt a bit colder. 

_Something definitely isn’t right._

He went to get a carrot and tried to feed Jelly Bean. Jelly Bean didn’t take a single bite. Kei carried the hamster and held it to his chest with one hand. He continued to pet it with the other. 

“Hey now, don’t start getting sick on us now. Tadashi needs you a lot.” Kei spoke gently to the creature. He mentally cursed himself for letting his guard down but stuffed the mentality down. It wasn’t the time. As the hamster continued to pant, it violently shook and Kei started to really panic. He put the hamster on a small towel Tadashi left for him. He was going to bathe the hamster to try and prove he was cute even while swimming. As soon as the hamster was laid down, it began to struggle standing on its legs. It laid on its side and the breathing came to a halt. Kei froze. 

_No._

He didn’t want to believe it. If this was a dream, someone punch him now. He looked at his hands trembling. It was the first time he held the hamster. He only got to touch him once. He just started to like the hamster. It was everything to Tadashi. 

_So why does this feel like I’m the one at fault._

Kei started to panic. He wasn’t attached to the hamster. But he couldn’t ignore the guilt that was building in this chest. Everything he did for Tadashi and the hamster was to make Tadashi happy. Everything he felt towards the hamster was because it made Tadashi happy. 

_How do I make him happy?_

“Kei do you have any-” Tadashi walked in, hair partially wet and his shirt too big. He forgot his clothes again and had to borrow his boyfriend’s, not like either of them complained. He raised his eyebrow when he saw Kei sickly pale staring. He followed Kei’s gaze and his eyes traced the small figure laid on the tiny towel he was looking for to bathe his hamster. His hand gripped the doorknob, knuckles turning deathly white. 

“Jelly Bean?” Kei couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do this at all. He didn’t want to do this. Tadashi let go and walked, each step made him more terrified. Standing next to Kei. he felt heavy pools of tears gather and slide down in hot streaks. It burned just as much as his heart. Kei shivered and opened his mouth. He didn't know what to say. He knew the word “sorry” was never enough for his friend, but he knew that his friend needed somebody and the only person left was himself. Kei closed his mouth and slipped his fingers into Tadashi’s. He felt their woven fingers clenched and Tadashi’s shoulders shook a little. 

“Come here.” Tadashi let Kei lead him towards his chest. He hugged him hard. Tadashi released heart-wrenching sobs. His legs felt too heavy and he let himself fall, Kei fell with him. Neither of them knew how long they stayed on the floor. But they did what they could and gathered the strength to stand up. Kei didn’t want to look at the body and lead the smaller boy to the bed. Tadashi curled and sobbed silently into a dinosaur plushie Kei had since he was 5. 

Kei found a small box for Jelly Bean to be put in. It was a box for an old m3 player he had. He liked the box. It held a lot of good memories. Jelly Bean had a lot of good memories too. He went outside and pulled a flower from his mom’s garden. He didn’t care how much trouble he’ll be in, he knew in his heart, he really wanted to do this. He took off every petal and spread it around the hamster. Tadashi sniffling and wiping his face with the bottom of his shirt, he wobbled his way next to Kei, watching him set the hamster in the box wrapped in the soft towel he bought for him last week. Once the box was closed, Kei tightly wrapped a string around the box to keep it closed. He turned his head to look at his boyfriend. He lightly kissed the side of his head, whispering softly into his hair.

“Let’s bury him.” Tadashi widened his eyes and stepped back to fully look at Kei.

“What?” Kei stepped forward to kiss his boyfriend’s cheek.

“In the garden.” Tadashi looked up and a few tears slid down his cheeks. He smiled.

“I… I didn’t think you’d care.” Tadashi muttered. His voice cracked.

“I do. I’ll always care. He made you happy, and you being happy makes me happy.” Tadashi cheeks reddened and wrapped his arms around Kei’s neck. He sighed.

“I love you.” Kei could feel his neck and cheeks get hot. He always knew he loved him, and he wanted to let Tadashi know. But he was always frustrated with himself. He was emotionally constipated and Tadashi let him know it wasn’t his fault. He was always patient with the other’s feelings, always letting him work out his thoughts to finally manage a few sentences that released some tension he held in this chest. He always took awhile, but today, it felt natural. It was soft, simple, and comfortable. It felt almost perfect.

“I love you too.” Tadashi took the box and followed Kei to the garden. He held a sad smile, but his eyes never lost the light he always had. He had Kei afterall. He had good memories he’ll always remember by heart. He was going to be happy again. But today, he just needed to feel sad. It’ll be okay. They had each other. They made each other happy. They'll be okay.

His mother never questioned when she saw the tools left out. She didn’t ask why the hamster cage was empty. She never yelled at Kei for pulling out a flower. And she didn’t say anything when she saw the two cuddling in the bed, Tadashi sobbing, and Kei comforting sweet whispers of love. Once Tadashi had to go back home, nobody moved the small heart shaped rock, engraved with the words: _Jelly Bean._

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally part of a different fic but I edited to what actually happened when our hamster died.
> 
> This is for my little sister, who thought she had no one but me and her hamster. 
> 
> Heidi, you'll be okay. It's okay to be sad. I'll always be there for you.
> 
> Jelly Bean, you fat somewhat cute hamster. I hope you're happy in Hamster Heaven and eating all the carrots.
> 
> Rest in Peace  
> Jellybean  
> 2/25/2018-6/27/2020
> 
> P.S. i didn't like you at first but you grew on me once I saw you made Heidi happy. I miss you little buddy. See you later.


End file.
